Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
