I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
