i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
