Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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