I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize