Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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