the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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