did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize