I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
