Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
