best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
