last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
