I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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