i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize