my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
