Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
