wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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