I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
