I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I AM VODKA MAN
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
