my phone needs a breathalizer
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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