i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
