just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
