It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
