I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
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