I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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