I need help removing her.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
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