why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
