hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
