did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
