I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
