pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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