I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
