and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
