I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
