apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
