We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
