Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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