At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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