how can u be prego again
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
