i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize