my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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