First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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