my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
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