I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
