my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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