I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
