Porn is love you can see.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize
