Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
