You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize