You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Randomize