I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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