sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
