If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
