If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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