i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
